Mustache Wax

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We used to sell mustache wax, long ago. But then we discovered a combination of ingredients that makes something even better than mere wax. Something different.
In 1987, archaeologists discovered the hidden tomb of Dracula himself, Vlad Tepes. Having supposedly been killed in battle when his own men turned on him, they expected to find the Prince's mangled bones; instead, they found no remains. Only a painting of the man, along with a dusty old scroll. When translated into modern English, the scroll was found to contain a recipe for "Transylvanian Mustache Pomade." 
We have substituted an ingredient here and there. In place of the sap from a one thousand year old Romanian fir tree, we use pine rosin from south Georgia to keep your mustache wax stiff. In place of the tortured screams of Dracula's enemies, we use beeswax to hold your 'stache in place with the style you want. We use coconut oil and shea butter to keep your mustache conditioned and keep the wax spreadable, where Dracula's original recipe called for the ichorous tar from the 9th circle of the Inferno. Otherwise it's about the same.